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I really do have self-confidence issues that I'm really trying to work on. I mean I'm no where as near as bad as when I first got into college but its still there. I've vowed that I'll never be that person again, the person who I used to think of myself as, but at times I tend to start slipping back towards those thoughts. And its hard. Its like a titter totter that I need more good things happening to me then the bad to feel good about myself. Like if someone flirts with me or not, or if I get along with someone. Its those paranoia thoughts that I pit myself against what I think I should be and not what I am. I'm always reflecting myself against other people that I wish I could be and always find myself lacking, and those are the thoughts that hit the deepest. The feeling of not being to live up to a certain standard leaves me feeling hollow and without redeeming qualities. It leaves me thoughts like "Why should anyone like me?" or "No one really enjoys my company, its all out of politeness". I just don't feel liked when I'm in those moods. I mean I guess everybody can feel that way, but it seems like it happens more than it seems normal. I know that its all inside my mind but my heart doesn't always listen to my brain. Sometimes something so slight can make me feel crestfallen.

A part of it is that I see people that I found so horrible as people and they seemed to enjoy all the things that I don't have in life that I want. Love, people taking to them easily, opportunities. They don't deserve those things! Its hard be very understanding when you as a person try so hard and be genuine but fail and other people don't try at all and are rotten on the inside and succeed. People like them more regardless of their lack of humanity towards other people. I can think of so many people that are like that and they don't suffer. Just people with black souls. Is that what life is all about? Its like I'm stuck in this middle rut of life. I neither have a great charismatic personality, nor beautiful, stuck in someplace in society that I as a person can not be recognized or loved. It just the worst emotion to feel that you are not someone worthy of being loved because of being something that you can not change. That's why I'm so wishy washy when it comes to online dating because I'm stuck between this optimism and hope of finding someone but pessimism of knowing it will all blow up in my face.

A large part of my own discouragement in myself is that I need proof that I'm a worthwhile person, like I need proof in my beliefs. Which is funny because I have more of a belief that I have a soul then me being a interesting person, and there is less proof of the soul! I need to know people want me around and enjoy my company. To have proof that I'm worthy of being loved. To be deserving of someone. But I can never be confident of those feelings of people. That's why I need to fight against myself. Fight against those negative thoughts. I can never be certain of other people's feelings towards me and therefore I can't be certain of how they see me. And why I never told anyone that I loved them...unsure if they loved me back. I guess this is the part where I say that I have to be more open and take risk yadda yadda yadda.

I just want to stop feeling so negative about myself and hope that it'll happen in the future.

At least now I have that off my chest.


Austin Highfield

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January 2011
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